Nicholas Pinnock
Stage and Screen Actor, Ambassador for Mind UK, Founder of Silver Milk Productions
The Voice of His Gremlin:
“Hah! That wasn’t good enough!”
It makes me withdraw, I get quite insular. I don’t communicate; I can’t speak; I can’t make eye contact …That’s me feeling that ‘the take’ wasn’t good enough or that idea wasn’t good enough. Even if people are praising it … I’m saying ‘No I need one more take’ because I can hear “HAH! That wasn’t good enough”; which is driven by a sense of worthlessness.
Me and my self-belief can turn it all around. I have to remember that actually I am worth more than just this and I am good enough; I just want better. It pushes me to prove it wrong and it centres me. It brings me back to a place where I say ‘No, that was good enough’.
Could I have avoided it? I can’t control others peoples actions in my life, so it was unavoidable in that sense; but I could have recognised it sooner. The moment I recognised it I started putting steps in place to avoid it … Actually I can’t ‘avoid’ it … but I can find resilience towards it, I can combat it.
In 1986 a choreographer said to me ‘Nick! It’s just not good enough; you just need to be blacker’. The weird thing about it is that I knew what he meant. We were in a 1950’s scene, all in a diner as waiters, all singing all dancing … what he meant was more eyes more teeth.
Being singled out when I thought I was doing a good job made me think ‘I’m not good enough’.
Strip away ego in its negative, strip away hierarchy. If we do it with love, care and safety, with that in mind we are going to be great.
When that space is built, it eliminates it from saying ‘HAH’ in my face.
An honest and open communicative collaboration is vital for the way I work. I need that honesty where we as creatives can say ‘this isn’t working’ and it be done with nothing more than a want for what’s best for the projects.