Sheila Atim MBE
Award winning Actor, Singer, Composer and Playwright
The Voice of Her Gremlin
“Should I be Here?”
I’m the sort of person who says yes to things and thinks later; so it’s often a baptism by fire sort of situation. As a result this thought ‘should I be here?’ is quite prominent and comes up a lot.
I think for all Gremlins they’re only here to be a starting point, or a provocation, or a trigger, and then you can turn them into whatever you need them to be. They might come back with the bullshit, but you can be in a constant sparring with them.
It floats to the surface and lingers in creative processes and life. At first it makes me stressed, because the thing I really want afterwards is to prove to myself that I should be here. The only way I can do that is by making good work.
When you’re young and just having fun, everything is great to everyone as your creativity is seen as an extra string to your bow. But, once you put yourself forward as this is what I do ‘professionally’, it can feel like everyone’s saying ‘okay cool let’s see what you can do, let’s see what you got’.
I think anyone who says it’s easy, cool, calm, collected is a liar, and I think there’s a real culture among artists of trying to look like everything is seamless and easy. I don’t think that’s particularly helpful when it comes to the community and helping how we look at ourselves, our mental health and our practices.
I had this line in a play called Babette’s Feast … ‘It is unbearable being an artists, to be applauded for doing your second best’ … and I was like “Woah”. I really felt that one in the chest, it’s so true and that notion feeds into my ‘should I be here’
I think it makes me a better artist because it makes me push for clarity; because one thing I really fear is not being understood.
Friendly environments where we can be open with our criticism and also be generous with our praise and nurturing starve the Gremlin.